They Might Be Romulans
by Blynneda
Summary: Parody of "Minefield." Remember that episode?


_Due to various circumstances, you might call them "extenuating," I've fallen far behind on these things.  That's okay.  Here's an oldie/goodie that I wrote months ago.  Maybe you'll even remember the episode._

**They Might Be Romulans**

"Teaser":

Malcolm nervously buzzes Captain's Mess door.

Archer (muffled by full mouth):  Ruff is it?

Reed:  Me, sir.

Archer:  Oh.  Come in.

Reed (enters)

Archer:  Mornin', pardner.  Sleep well?

Reed:  Actually, I had nightmares.

Archer (ignores him):  Good.  Have a seat.

Reed (warily):  That's just how the dream started.

Archer:  Want some OJ?

Reed:  To tell the truth, I'm allergic.

Archer:  Allergic?  I thought that was pineapples.

Reed:  Yes, well, most fruits, actually.  I think it's the citric acid.

Archer (awkward pause):  You know, you're not in trouble here.

Reed (relieved):  Oh, I'm not?  Okay, then.  (shoves face into eggs)

Archer:  England made it into the World Cup.

Reed:  Huh?

Archer:  Soccer.

Reed:  Soccer?  What's that?

Archer:  It's a sport.  Football, you crazy Brits call it.

Reed:  Oh!  Sorry, I don't much follow football.

Archer:  Any sports you do follow?  (hopefully)  Are you as big a water polo fan as me?

Reed:  Water polo?  That's the lamest--uh, no, sir, I don't follow that, either.

Archer (disappointed):  Okay.  (eats)

Reed (picking up scanner thing):  Sir, if we could assign another officer to the Armory, that would give me more time to waste.

Archer:  Didn't your mom tell you not to bring your homework to the table?

Reed:  Uh, no, sir, actually she was a bit of a slave driver.

Archer (hands scanner back without looking at it):  This looks fine.

T'Pol (over comm):  Captain, we've reached a new planetary system.  One is Minshara class.

Archer:  Great!  This was getting a bit dull!

Reed (suddenly stands up)

Archer (pretend sincerity):  Well, I guess we have to reschedule.

Reed (also relieved):  Fine, whatever you say.

New scene, Bridge:

Archer:  What's up, peeps?

T'Pol:  We have reached the planet unscathed by any invisible weaponry, such as mines.

Archer:  Anything interesting?

T'Pol:  Not to me, no.  But there's a big string of volcanoes.

Archer:  Cool!  I don't know about you, but I could use some fresh air.

T'Pol:  I may be mistaken, but volcanoes are not exactly known sources of particularly fresh air.

Archer (looks blankly at T'Pol):  Whatever.  Travis, put us into orbit and, even though no one else is busy, go down and get a shuttlepod ready, too.

Travis (confused):  At the same time?  Okay, sir.

 Big 'splosion!  Everyone sprawls around on the bridge, a la Classic Trek.  Why, half the ship is blown away!

ACT 1:  Damage control or "What the monkey happened?"

Archer:  Report!

Reed:  There was a big 'splosion, sir.  There's a gaping hole in the port forward hull.

Archer (calmly):  Really?  That's a shame.

Reed:  They've sunk our battleship!

Archer:  This isn't a battleship, Malcolm.

Reed (sheepishly):  Oh, yes.  That's right.

T'Pol (looks at Hoshi, who is temporarily dead):  Bridge to Sickbay.  We need you whenever you have a chance to pop up.

Phlox (over comm):  What's wrong?  Did something happen?

T'Pol:  Just a humongous explosion.

Archer:  Emergency bulkheads?

Reed:  What about them?

Archer (annoyed):  Are they in place?

Reed:  Oh.  Sure they are.  But eight sections have decompressed.

Archer:  Was anyone in them?

Reed:  Yes, half the crew was there.  That's where Movie Night is.

Archer (concerned):  What?

Reed:  Ha, ha, just fooling, sir.  It's Wednesday.

Archer:  Find out what happened!

Reed:  I already told you what happened.

Archer (goes over and touches Hoshi lovingly):  Malcolm!

Reed (looks up, startled):  What?  What do you want from me!?  Wait, I've got a casualty report coming up.  Ooh, surprisingly, no one kicked it.  Yet.

Archer:  Archer to Engineering.

Trip (over comm):  What's going on up there, Cap'n?

Archer:  I thought you'd know!

Trip:  I'm in the bowels of the ship.  Whaddaya expect?

Archer:  Oh, you're no help! (slams comm off)

Sickbay:

Phlox (over bloody guy):  Get this man into the Imaging Chamber.

Intern/Nurse:  Okey doke, Gooshie.  I mean, Phlox.

Unidentified Crewwoman:  Are we under attack?

Phlox (cheerfully):  If so, you won't last the night.

Another crewman (dragging body into sickbay):  Doctor!

Phlox (throwing tantrum):  I can't take it!  All these people yelling!  Heal yourselves!

Bridge:

Travis:  Captain, something just hit the ship.  Fortunately, the opposite side.

Archer:  Gimme a visual.  That means "see."

Random part of ship on screen.

Archer:  There.  Do you see it?

Travis:  The ship?

Archer:  No, there's a thing back there.  It's invisible.

Travis:  Then how exactly would I see it?

Archer:  Zoom in.

Travis:  Maybe it's a cloaked ship.

Archer (scoffingly):  It's not a ship!  Where'd you go to school, "Can't Tell the Difference Between a Ship and Something Else" University?

Travis:  Uh, no, sir.  Starfleet Academy.

Reed:  It's a mine.  Armed with tricobalt explosives.

Archer (knowingly):  Mmm, nasty stuff.

Reed:  I think I should go defuse it.  I can defuse an alien object at a glance, regardless of whether it's even a mine.

Archer:  You?  Why don't we send Travis?

Travis (worried):  Me?  What did I do?

Archer:  Malcolm hasn't had breakfast.  (grows thoughtful)  You know, in my vast experience of mining, I don't know a minefield with just two mines.

Travis:  I do.

Archer (ignores him):  Are those cloaking detector thingies still attached to the grapplers?

Travis:  Yeah, we haven't gotten around to removing them yet.

Archer:  You lazy little s.o.b.s!  Well, it comes in handy for once.  Let's take a little look-see.

Magically, the mine is completely visible without the beacon, but the rest of space is empty.

T'Pol:  It's not going to work.  Unless these are Suliban mines.  (Archer stares at her)  I'll fix it.

Some part of the ship that has spacesuits:

Reed (putting on suit):  I'm going now.  I hope I don't just fly off into the vacuum of space.

(floats gently into the vacuum of space)

Bridge:

T'Pol:  I've got something.  Look.

Zillions of mines appear.

T'Pol:  Holy crap.

Archer:  Wow.  How'd we avoid getting blasted to smithereens coming in?

Somewhere outside:

Reed walks along ship, completely ignoring the rules of non-gravity.  Yeah, right, "He has magnetic boots," you say.  Sure he does.

Reed (puts tool box down; it immediately flies away):  Oops, crap.  Forgot I'm in the vacuum of space.  (grabs box)  Internal scan:  Proximity sensors off-line.  I don't think it knows we're here.

Bridge:

Close up on Archer, who, for no reason at all, looks shocked.

Trip arrives looking dirty, like he's been working under a car all day.

Archer:  How bad is it?

Reed (over comm):  I think I've found an access panel.

Trip:  Not too bad, really.  (shouts)  Except the enormous gaping hole in our ship!  Oh, but, good news is, I did a head count.  We didn't lose anyone.  

Archer:  You mean you went around the whole ship and counted people's heads?

Trip (shrugs):  Had some free time on my hands.

Archer (nods, looking sadder than he did before):  Trip, I'm not sure Malcolm can defuse this thing.  I don't have much confidence in him.  What can you do?  Detach the hull plating?

T'Pol:  Wouldn't that leave us with nothing between the inside and the outside?

Trip:  Well, you'd have to--

Archer:  I'm not asking you to tell me how to do it.  Can you do it?

Trip:  I guess so.  But it wouldn't be a great idea.

Archer:  Start on it, anyway.  And remember...it was mine!

Reed:  I'm removing the panel.

Archer:  It took you that long since you found it to decide to open it?

Ship arrives.

Reed:  Captain.

Archer:  What's wrong?  Just ignore that little ship.  Keep defusing, buddy.

ACT 2:  Who are those guys?

Archer:  You ever seen that ship before?

T'Pol:  Only on Star Trek.  Very popular show on Vulcan.

Archer:  Why didn't we see through their cloak?

T'Pol:  Because they were cloaked.  Funny question:  why are they cloaked in their own territory?

Travis:  They're hailing us.

T'Pol (runs to comm station):  Oh, shoot.  I have to do two jobs at once.  Don't we have any replacements?  An extra?

Archer:  I just like to see you running around frantically.

Comm:  Romulan speaking Romulan.

Archer:  Why isn't there a picture?

T'Pol:  Because the viewscreen was damaged?

Archer:  No, it wasn't!

T'Pol:  I mean... (eyes shifting)  It would interfere with the space-time continuum.

Archer (satisfied):  Oh.  Okay.  (calls Phlox)  Can we get Hoshi?

Sickbay:

Phlox:  I'm sorry.  She's dead!

Hoshi (sitting up):  I am not.

Phlox:  Well, you're not going up there, anyway.

Bridge:

Comm:  Romulan still speaking Romulan.

Archer:  Any luck?

T'Pol:  If I had, you'd be hearing English right now.

Travis:  Charging weapons!  Ooh, just missed.

Archer:  I wet my pants.  Let's get out of here!

Travis:  It'll be tricky with all those zillions of mines.

Archer:  Well, that ship had no problem, did it?  (comm) Lt. Reed?

Reed (over comm):  Oh, you remembered me?

Archer:  We're gonna move now, nice and slow.

Reed:  Slow's kind of a relative term, isn't it?  Won't I still go flying off the hull of the ship?

Archer (stops to think):  I don't think so.  I don't remember that from my astrophysics textbooks.

Reed:  Seriously, sir, I'm a bit vulnerable out here-- (cut off as comm shuts off)

Archer:  He's a bit of a worry wart, isn't he?  Activate the beacon.

Travis:  Tell ya the truth, it's still activated from five minutes ago.

Reed:  The Romulans disappeared.

Archer:  Romulans?  Where have I heard that before?

Reed:  Sorry.  I read ahead in the script.  Ruined the surprise.

Travis steers them out.  Everyone else watches, giving no help.

Reed:  I've identified four detonation circuits.

Archer:  You're still working on that?  I thought you flew away.

Reed:  I think I can deactivate the mine.  Maybe.

Archer:  Okay.  All our hopes rest on you.  No pressure.

Reed:  Does that mean I'll be a hero?

Archer:  Don't get ahead of yourself.  Just get going.

Travis veers to side like maniac.

T'Pol:  Jeez, where'd you learn to drive?

Reed:  Ack!  Bridge.  (helmet falls off, but thankfully, he doesn't decompress in the vacuum of space)

Archer:  Hey, defused it already?

Reed:  Another one of those spikes I told you about.

Archer:  Spikes?  What spikes?

Reed:  I've got a spike through my leg, sir.

Archer:  Really?  That musta hurt.

Reed:  It did, sir.  But I didn't drop my tool.

Archer:  I'm proud.  I'll be right there.  The captain's place is in the most dangerous possible situation.  The bridge is yours.

Reed:  Mine, sir?  But I'm out here with my leg attached to a mine.  I don't think I'm the best choice right now.

Trip:  Cap'n, I should be the one to go.  I'm the engineer.

Archer:  That's why I need you here, Trip.

T'Pol and Trip look at each other.

Trip:  Is it just me, or his logic just a l'il screwy?

Sickbay:

Phlox:  Leechy is so happy everybody came to play!  She misses you!  (looks up, startled)  Ensign, where the blarkio are you going?

Hoshi:  The bridge?

Phlox:  Stay here, I'll get some work for you.

Outside:

Reed:  Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise?

Archer:  Thought you might need a hand.

Reed:  Actually, I'd prefer a leg.

Archer:  Sorry.  Don't have any of them.  Nyuk, nyuk.  (slaps Reed's leg playfully.  Reed screams in pain)  Oops, my bad.  It's actually not too bad.  You just ripped the muscle into shreds.  Let me chop this off for you...

Reed:  If you do that, it'll 'splode, sir.

Archer:  Oh.

Reed:  I'd let you amputate, but I'm kind of scared.  Then I'd have to spend the rest of the show's run pretending to be gimpy.  Just give me an aspirin and I'll stretch over there and defuse it.

Archer:  That would be stupid.  You'll hurt your leg.

Reed:  What's more important, my leg or your ship?

Archer (stops)  Lemme think...well, the ship.  But I'll try to save you, too.  I asked Trip to detach this section of hull plating.

Reed:  What's stopping you?

Archer:  I had to come out and tell you you're attached to it.

Reed:  Oh.  Right.  Well, you should do it, anyway.

Archer:  Don't martyr yourself.  You're not as heroic as you think.  (injects Reed with medicine through thick, impenetrable spacesuit)

Reed:  I hope that's an anaesthetic.

Archer:  I'm not sure, actually.  I don't have a medical degree.  I basically just grabbed whatever Phlox had lying around.  Could be leech semen for all I know.

Reed:  Ooh...I feel loopy!  (sings)  I'm seein' stars, I'm seein' stars...

Archer:  Calm down.  Okay.  Let's defuse this thing!

Reed:  What?  It's a very delicate business.  I'm the only one who can defuse bombs on this ship, Mister.

Archer:  I'm a quick study.  (everyone laughs hysterically at this little joke)

Reed:  Well, it's not like learning to ride a bloody bicycle, or communicating with hostile alien life forms.

Archer:  How 'bout, if you don't tell me what to do, I'll start poking your leg with your poky tool there?

Reed (resigned):  Well, when you put it that way...  I hope you have a steady hand.

Archer (pauses):  I don't.  Hmm.  Maybe I should have let Trip do this.

Sickbay:

Hoshi:  Funny.  Doesn't this sound a lot like Vulcan?

T'Pol:  It does.  Fascinating.

Hoshi:  Well, they want us to leave or they'll kill us all and eat our livers.

Trip:  Cute.

T'Pol:  You learned the word for liver?

Hoshi (casually):  Yeah.  It's pat-EY.  Oh, and they claim this minefield in the name of the Romalan Star Emprie.

T'Pol:  It's pronounced Romulan.  (everyone stares at her; she shrugs)  They're an offshoot of the Vulcans.  Went off to make their own little illogical planet a few thousand years back.

ACT 3:  Manly heart-to-heart.

Outside:

Archer:  Romulans?  I read about them in the future with Daniels.

Reed:  Who are you talking to, sir?

Archer:  What?  Oh.  I thought the comm was on.

Trip (over comm):  Sorry I'm late.  We figured out who's tryin' to kill us!

Archer:  Yeah, I jumped the gun a little.  Damn commercial breaks.

Trip:  So, what'd you find out in the future?

Archer:  Well, nothing, actually.  I just read the name, really.

T'Pol:  They're supposed to be pretty mean, but the Vulcan High Command hasn't made direct contact.  Just rumors in the bars.  We have to leave the system now.

Archer:  We can't do that.  Can Hoshi explain our situation?

Trip:  We'll try.  Or, she will.  How's it going?

Archer:  We took two detonation circuits off-line.  Only three more to go.

Trip:  I thought Malcolm said there were four total.

Archer (pauses):  Yeah.  I'm not good at math.

Reed:  Next one's tricky.

Archer:  Oh, I was starting to wonder.  You said it'd be hard, but we already got two done in the commercial.

Reed:  Here's the instructions:  Turn the glowing green things 70 degrees counterclockwise.

Archer:  Shoot.  Forgot my protractor.  (starts to turn one)

Reed:  But wait!  You have to do it in order!

Archer (stops, annoyed):  You could've mentioned that in the beginning...

Reed:  Okay.  Start with the upper right.  You know right from left, right?

Archer:  Left.  I mean, right.

Reed:  Counterclockwise.

Archer:  Which way's counterclockwise again? This is the future, man, we don't use analog anymore.  It's digital all the way!

Reed (shouts):  Ahh!  You did it wrong!  We're gonna die!!

Archer (startled):  What?

Reed:  Just kidding.

Archer:  Oh.  So, let's continue our conversation from before.  You said you don't follow any sports?

Reed:  Well, I haven't started following one since breakfast, sir.

Archer:  No?  I thought maybe you'd take up surfing.  Space surfing, that is.

Reed:  Now do the top one.  Be careful; it's damaged.

Archer:  So what do you do?  Any hobbies?

Reed:  Not really, sir.  Mostly I just like to shoot things.

Archer:  Well, that sort of counts.  How about books?  Do you read?  I thought I've seen you with a book or two.

Reed:  I was probably working on the photon torpedoes.  I'd really rather not chat right now.

Archer:  Why?  Is it making you hungry?

Reed (confused):  What?

Archer:  Making you think of breakfast, and how you haven't eaten anything today.

Reed:  Well, now it is.  It's also making me nervous.

Archer:  Oh, I think I got this down.  Why were so jumpy this morning, then?

Reed:  I was trained not to fraternize with superior officers.

Archer:  I guess that little fling with T'Pol isn't going to happen, then, is it?

Reed (worried):  What?  Who told you about that?

Archer:  Actually, that was a joke.  Aren't you friends with Trip?  He's above you in rank.

Reed:  That's different.  Crew members shouldn't socialize with their captain.

Archer:  But then I get lonely.

Reed:  Isn't that why you have a dog?

Archer:  See, the way I figure it is, we could be out here for years...assuming we get renewed, that is.  All we have to depend on...is each other.

Reed:  ...And the friendly alien who pops along every once in a while.  There are over two left, in case you can't count.  Top left first.

Archer:  I appreciate your suggestions, Malcolm.

Reed:  What suggestions?  I'm just telling you how to do it so it won't explode.

Archer:  Anything else?

Reed:  Well, I think bridge protocol is lax.  Too many people giving opinions.  They should shut the hell up.

Archer:  That's a stupid suggestion.  I rely on them.  I can't make my own decisions.  What else?

Reed:  I think you should be more cautious in security.  We need more redshirts to use as cannon fodder so the stars won't get hurt as often.  We could've sent a redshirt out here.

Archer:  Yeah, yeah, I know.  You've whined about that before.

Reed:  Not to say that it hasn't been a pleasure serving with you.

Archer:  Ah! Ah!  You're using past tense, Lieutenant.

Reed:  Oh.  I guess I just assumed you'd get us killed.  Now, reinsert all the relays, but in reverse order.

Archer:  What?  You mean I did all that work and I have to put them back anyway?

Reed:  It'll go off-line then.

Archer:  Oh.  Okay.

Bridge:

Trip:  Good job, Travis.  Ensign Hutchinson can take over.

Travis:  Thanks, but I'd rather stay here and get some air time.  No one can fly 'er like me!

T'Pol:  Captain, we're free of the minefield.

Archer (over comm):  Good.  Go to warp speed.  
T'Pol:  We can't.  You'll be killed.

Archer:  That's right.  Do the same thing you've been doing, then.

Reed:  There's one more riddle that's even harder.  This circuit has a backup mechanism we have to fool.

Archer (defensive):  Are you calling me a fool?

Reed:  No, sir.  Take the hyperspanner out and use the power cell.  But don't let go of it.  It'll fly off into the vacuum of space.

Archer:  That's right.  I keep forgetting we're in the vacuum of space.  You must have realized that my command style was incompatible with yours.

Reed:  Yes, it was quite obvious.  If you don't mind my saying so.

Archer:  Actually, I do.

Reed:  Which would you choose?  Lunar colony or deep space?

Archer:  I understand you come from a long line of Royal Navy men.  Your father, grandfather...well, that's about it, really.  Why Starfleet?  Why not continue the long family tradition?

Reed:  Should I reveal my darkest secret to you?  Well, I'm going to die, anyway.

Archer:  So what happened?

Reed:  I was raised on the water...

Archer:  Really?  Cool, so you were, like, an amphibian?  A newt or something?

Reed:  Um, no.  I know everything there is to know about water.  Except...

Archer:  Except?

Reed:  I have aquaphobia.

Archer (laughs):  You're afraid of the water?  (coughs)  Sorry.  I mean (serious, concerned)  You're afraid of the water?

Reed:  More precisely, drowning.

Archer:  Instead of life on water, you chose a life in the vacuum of space?  That's stupid.

Reed:  I had a great uncle.

Archer:  What was so great about him?

Reed:  He faced his fears.  Distinguished career.  Attach that somewhere on the thing, I don't know where.  I'm just making this up as I go along.

Archer:  Okay.

Reed (amazing):  It's working!  Wow.  Okay, now, take the things out, twist 'em around, and shove 'em back in.  He was something of a hero to me, my great uncle.

Archer:  The one with aquaphobia?

Reed:  No, now I'm talking about my other great uncle Winky.  He was an astronaut, but he had vacuuphobia, fear of the vacuum of space.  He was very heroic as well.

Archer:  What about the aquaphobic one?

Reed:  He was in the submarine corps.  I don't know why, the world was totally peaceful at the time, but you gotta have a military, eh, sir?

Archer:  Damn straight.

Reed:  Anyway, he commanded the HMS Clement.  Do you know the story of the Clement, sir?

Archer:  No, but you'll probably tell me anyway, won't you?

Reed:  Yes, sir.  They were on patrol and had an accident.  And--get the irony here--they hit a mine.

Archer:  Is that irony?

Reed:  Yes.  Several compartments overflooded.  Including Engineering.

Archer (appalled):  Not Engineering!

Reed:  Can you imagine?  The man afraid of drowning and--poof!--that's just what he did.  Drowned.  He kept the reactor on-line so the crew could escape.  He was a hero.

Archer:  Well, guess what?  I'm not doing that.

Reed:  I meant that's what I could do, sir.

Archer:  Tough noogies.  It's not your ship.  It's MINE.

Reed:  I'm prepared to die, sir.  I'm ready to go down for the safety of--

Archer:  Yeah, I got ya.  It doesn't sound so heroic when you stuff it down my throat.

Reed:  I'm afraid we have another problem, sir.

Archer:  What is it?

Reed:  I need to use the bathroom.

Archer:  First door on the left.  Or right?

Reed:  I'm stuck, sir.

Archer:  Oh.  Yeah.  That would be your problem, not our problem.  Just go.

Reed:  Won't it seep up into my helmet and drown me?

Archer:  That would be a heroic way to die.  Plus, you'd be facing your fears.  But you have to clean the suit after.

Romulans reappear.

Bridge:

Romulans (over comm):  You've ignored our warnings!

T'Pol:  We couldn't decipher your language at first.  We're trying to defuse a weapon on our hull.

Romulans:  I know what you're doing.  You can detach a section of your hull.  Do it now and go away!

Trip:  We've got a man trapped out there!

Romulans:  One pathetic loser you probably don't even like, anyway, and 82 others safely aboard!

T'Pol:  Actually, our captain is also out there.

Romulans:  We will not tolerate espionage!  (signs off)

Archer (beeping over comm):  What's going on?

T'Pol:  It's good that you waited until just after their transmission ended.  We have to jettison the hull and leave.

Outside:

Archer:  I'm almost done!  Stand by.  (pushes last thingie in, lights flash, scary beeping)  Oopsie.  Did I make a boo-boo?

Reed (shouts):  The bomb is in play!  Redo that thing!

Archer (adjusts thingie):  That's better.

Reed:  You triggered a subdetonator.  We're screwed.

Archer:  Then why isn't it blowing up?

Reed:  Don't worry.  It will.  I think I get to be a hero now, though.

Archer:  Are you just saying that so you can die heroically?

Reed (ducks head):  Yes, sir.

ACT 4:  What do you mean, Newton's Laws of Motion?

Outside:

Reed:  Sorry, Captain.  You did your best and you failed.  I suppose the lesson you'd get is, never try.  [Sorry, stole that from Homer Simpson!]  At least you'd make a good Armory Officer.

Archer:  I'm already a captain, so forget that.  Show me the subdetonator.

Reed:  I'd prefer a burial at sea...

Archer:  You're going to get buried in space!  I thought you were afraid of water.

Reed:  Well, I probably won't be when I'm dead.

Archer:  We'll dismantle this whole thing if we have to!

Reed:  That'll take days!

Archer:  I've got nothing better to do.

Reed:  And the Romulans will destroy us long before that!

Archer:  I don't want to leave you behind!  Help me figure out a way off, that's an order.

Reed, in a dramatic show of bravery, pulls out his air tube.  Archer drops everything into the vacuum of space.

Archer:  You dumbass!  That's not a very heroic way to die.  (reattaches tube, gives him all his air, suffocates)  I should send you back home for that.

Reed:  I think my punishment should be being detached from the ship.

Archer:  How long did it take to reset the mine?

Reed (after thinking a second):  Ten, twelve seconds.

Archer:  Could it have been eleven?

Reed (positive):  No.  Certainly not eleven.

Archer:  I think it was twenty.

Reed (argues):  It wasn't twenty.

Archer:  Shut up.  I'm the captain.

Inside:

Archer:  Hi.  We're going to detach the hull plating.

T'Pol:  Too bad.  I'll miss the ol' chap.  Even though he kept staring at my ass.

Archer:  I'm going with him.

Trip (pause):  Why?

Archer:  Can the shuttlepod hatches withstand a quarter kiloton of force?

Trip:  I doubt it.

Archer:  Oh.  Then never mind.  Sorry, Mal!

Trip:  Wait.  Maybe.  We've made those shuttlepods even stronger than the ship itself.  Why do ask?

Archer:  Bring two shuttlepod hatches up on the double.

Trip:  Sir?

Archer:  On the double!  That means now, yesterday, hurry!

Trip:  Oh!

T'Pol:  Captain, I assume there's no point in questioning your plan...

Archer:  I can't reveal the secret until we've done it.  So if we fail, I won't know how stupid I was.

Outside again:

Hull detaches.  Archer goes to edge, looks over, falls off.

Travis:  Uh-oh.  They're back!

T'Pol:  Hail them!

Travis:  Hail, Romulans!  Oh, that's not my job.  Charging weapons.

T'Pol:  Polarize hull plating.

Trip:  Okay.  But we're missin' some.

T'Pol (mock surprise):  We are?  What happened to it?

Outside:

Zapping off spike.

Reed:  It's rearming!

Archer:  Hold on tight.  (they float back, holding hatches like riot gear shields)  Now!

(they spin around and, defying all normal laws of physics, conveniently stop at just the right place to protect themselves from a blast.  Pretty good no-grav training.)

T'Pol:  Captain?  Are you still alive?

Archer (in squeaky voice, giggling):  No, we're not!

Travis:  Hey, I see them!  Wow, they're so tiny!  Hi!  (waves)  Oops.  Better fire up the windshield wipers.

T'Pol:  Let's get them.  (to Phlox, over comm)  Meet us outside Launch Bay Two.

Trip:  Gettin' ready to fire!

Travis:  They're almost in--there!  Let's hightail it!

Launch Bay One, where nobody thought to look for them:

Archer:  Where is everyone?  Are you all right?

Reed:  My leg hurts, sir.

Archer:  Quit yer whinin'.

Reed:  Your style of command has its advantages.

Archer (surprised):  It does?  So, how long was it?

Reed:  Ten seconds.

Archer:  No, it was twenty.

Reed:  Sir, it really was ten--

Archer:  How 'bout I grab this spike in your leg and twist it?

Reed (blanching):  Uh, twenty, sir.  Definitely twenty.

Archer:  That's what I thought.

Fin.

_Hey, guys.  Is there anyway to make this more readable for you?  It's been indirectly brought to my attention that these things are in some way annoying/difficult to read, format-wise.  Let me know if you have a problem, and I'll try to change it._


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